if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
