she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
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