so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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