Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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