Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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