i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
