Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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