your parents love me but you hate me
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
