I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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