I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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