This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
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