i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
