Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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