Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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