I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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