My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
