I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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