why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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