Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
