Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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