My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
