she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
being pregnant is like rehab
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
