soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
