So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
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Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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