God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
