God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
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Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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