I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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