It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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