i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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