dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
