we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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