Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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