the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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