I like to think it a success when the cops are called
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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