If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
