just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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