dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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