im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Randomize
