why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
