I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
