can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
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