just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
