Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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