I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
