I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
