fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing