Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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