Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
God, I missed his penis.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
