I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
