i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
