When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
We smell like vodka and hangover
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