He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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