She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
