I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Randomize