somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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