Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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