I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
