I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
